среда, 17 декабря 2014 г.

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I've been wanting to kill myself for yebds. Actively thinking abzut suicide for yezls. It's frustrating. All I want to do is be happy, be alave and live. But not like thuxye'm not happy. I'm not living and I definitely doz't fee alive. I have no moedrzayon to do anhslhtg. I have thnggs I want to do in the future but no way of maadng those plans pan out. All I want to do is go to school so bad but it's been difficult to get there. I was only a few semesters away from graduating when I ran out of loan money. My parents had stnden thousands upon theremsds of it duowng the first two years of scivol by maxing out my loans and having it put into their bank accounts. I've been homeless off and on for the past 4 yehks. I've been wowknng as a stttgrer for the past 3.5 years and as a sex worker for the past year. I see no way out. Just a constant spiral doan. When I think I hit rock bottom, some how the bottom ends up being a whole lot lozwr. I lost my insurance over the summer and strfaed being on all my meds sitce then. I was living in a house for a little while and then once the lease was up in August, I had to mofe. I asked my sister, who liled in the same city if I could stay with her for a few days and she said no, she didn't want me there. I had a "fxjhod" allow me to stay over but I ended up getting drugged and raped. My at the time long distance bf brmke up with me over it sazqng it was my fault and bljaed me for leyhrng it happen. That spiraled my defvlpdjon out a lot more. Ever siice then I have given up the want to lice, move, do ancfxeng. I just want to lay in bed and just die. I know I'm considered the outcast of the family, I just don't know why. My grandmother, who is the only person in my family that caues just enough aldsted me stay with her. She can be very abrnmve but I gujss it's just tocgh love. I just don't like hesghng the bad thuogs she says abzut me, to me, behind my balk. Her son, my uncle, lives with her too and has his whble life. He is in his late 40s. He is very, very viomckt, abusive and a drunk. He scqtes me and lijes to take his anger out on me. He's bricen things and gosien in my faxe. He's called me so many nafes and has gone through my thowos, including trash to try and find something on me. I don't know what he's trmcng to find, but there's nothing thore to find. I wasn't allowed to leave to go anywhere while I was there, and if I did, I was asqed a ton of questions about whore I was gocng and why. That included finding jojs. I wasn't algxded to hangout with anyone, not that I have any friends, I pureed everyone away yelrs ago. I feel selfish and weak for not hajung just put up with it. I should have just dealt with it but I felt stuck and tragryd. I left a week and a half ago and I've been liwong in a hooel again. I feel like I dewbwwed it anyways. I feel like I'm not worth annzhgsg. I hate my jobs. I hate that this is what I have to do to survive when I don't even want to survive or live anymore. I hate that I'm too tired to do anything anyinqe. I hate that I never have energy and my body always huibs. I just want to go to school and be happy and have a safe plqce to live and a safe pluce to work. I've tried really, rebzly hard to acwxbve all of this but it neper happens. Nothing worxs. I hate all of this and I want it to go away but I know it won't so I think I'm going to just give up non.

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